Realization

I have a secret. It feels dirty to share.. people who usually have "it" are often seen as lazy, overindulgent, or just a plain slob. 

I am a diabetic.

For years I have been in denial about my condition. Before the pandemic I was in and out of the hospital because of my uncontrollable blood sugar level. I thought, what the hell I'm still young - plenty of milage. I was so defiant against what the doctors were telling me. I kept on thinking "huh --- you'll never tame this!" Sabi ko sa sarili ko, magkamatayan na di ako bibili ng glucometer. Kasi iniisip ko hindi ako diabetic. Mahilig lang talaga ako sa matamis. 

Fast forward to 2022, I am now 32 years old. Just got out of the hospital - had a minor operation and now I'm facing the music. Bumili na ko ng glucometer. After all the stops and starts, tinatanggap ko na. Taste like vinegar - mas maasim pa sa kili-kili ni Mang Juan - I AM A DIABETIC. 

So ito na, to commemorate my acceptance while I'm still finding my peace..

Salamat, Kapamilya.

As of May 5, 2020, ABS-CBN, one of the leading networks in the Philippines has officially signed off.

I cannot say they were pristine in terms of news and current events say being unbiased but was that really enough of a reason to hammer the network down? We cannot say for sure what happened behind closed doors. Politically and well.. the power play but when I turned my TV on to CH 8 and saw the black screen, it stung a bit.

Growing up, we didn't have cable. I would wake up early in the morning during weekends because I need me my weekly dose of my weekend morning shows. Hiraya Manawari was always my favorite. Heck I even named all my support characters Hiraya to pay homage. This show inspired me to dream, honed my creativity and lit that spark of magic in me. I would smile fondly at the episodes that I can still recall vaguely. Then there were the weekday morning cartoons that I would gladly miss my class for, sometimes I would even fake sickness not to miss an episode and boy would I feel triumphant whenever I'd have it my way.

In this Digital Revolution, I am proud that I come from the era where we got to experience the old and the new. Where we had to ran to and from the bathroom during commercial breaks. Where families gathered in front of Magandang Gabi Bayan Gabi ng Lagim Halloween specials because back then we did not have the luxury of pressing pause nor searching for the missed episodes online. ABS CBN has been a part of our family, laughter, tears, thrills, and so much more. Though lately I have not been tuning in a lot as I have now a more specific taste in shows, still I am grateful of these people's life work, not just the artists but all 11,000 employees of the late. Thank you Kapamilya.

Re:Zero

I've been meaning to write.

There have been a lot of thoughts that lingeres/d in my mind but I keep on pushing them down.

I will try to write more this 2020.

I owe it to myself.

Rediscover my love for writing. 

First Step

Day 1

Meal 1

For Jackie

For Jackie

How do you thank someone who gives everything she has and does not expect anything in return?
Do you buy her gifts and sing her song's favorite refrain?
Some people think it's clever to throw a party -
but this person I know is not into all those things fancy.

She is humble
She is kind
She will let you know and tell you what's on her mind

She inspired me to be who I am today
She molded me into the lady who fits my shoe
She is my cousin
and her namesake's Jackylyn

I've always looked up to her from day one
She's always looked out for me since I too was young
I know I gave her trouble when I was little
I know this because some were just epic battles

Though now that I am older I came to find
that the friendship we have is unique and one of a kind
She continues to inspire me
She is my favorite, my Jackie

-----------------------------------------------

Dear Ate,




Paano ba kita papasalamatan sa lahat lahat? Ikaw na hindi sumuko saming lahat at patuloy paring sumusuporta na walang hinihintay na kapalit. I know this isn't much and it's a little too late but this is a small token of my appreciation for the world you gave us in return. I know that Mama is looking down on you from heaven everyday saying she is proud of you and everything you have accomplished. One day ate magkakasama sama din tayong lahat, sila Mama, Daddy, Nanay at Tatay habang nagtotongits sila at tayo naman naglalaro ng MAD na board game. Hindi naging madali para sating lahat pero kinaya at kinakaya natin. I wish you all the happiness in the world, you deserve it and more. I wish you the love you deserve and the person who deserves you.  I pray for you every night to find that. I love you Ate Len ko, peyborit. 

Fondly,
Geline

My own personal Damulag

ang mahal kong asawa at ang kanyang pista of a brekky <3 p="">

makita ko lang yang ngiti mo sa umaga - busog na ko!

Home coming

It's been a while since my last blog post.

A lot has changed since then, I checked my last entry;

Sunday, May 31, 2015 entitled Heartbroken 

Honestly, I let myself be engulfed with the flames of adulthood and just embraced that FCK IT attitude. 

Too many relationshits too count and too many irrelevant people later.. and now I'm engaged.

HAHAHA!

I can't believe it myself, I actually found someone who accepted me for me. 

Walang halong keme, walang halong bullshit.

Standing here now, in the middle of a long road ahead still -- with my worn out armor but oh I welcome the blood now, I welcome the carnage because I overcame so much and I can say I have conquered it everything that came my way.

I feel more confident now, far from the child I was when I decided to quit school just because of a skinny little bitch who laughed at me for being fat. Hey! I'm still fat oh but I've learned to embrace all my slabs. I am unappologetic for who I am now, all my flaws, all my drama. I am content with who I am now.

Writing or the thought of writing has been haunting me for months now.

Maybe because it has always been my truth and I'm afraid of what I will come to face on this blank sheet of paper -- but I'm glad I did write tonight because what I came to realize is that I did good. 

And all is well. 

Heartbroken

There is no one I hate more than you.

Yet there is nothing I wouldn't give up to be with you.

Dear Loneliness

We meet again old friend, here we are down this road again. I never expected to feel you again. I thought to myself for sure our bittersweet companionship has come to an end. Yet here I am, holding your hand again. Our familiar thoughts one again. It's been quite some time since I faced you, you know how I hate coming home to you. Funny thing about home is, it's always there to welcome you. You wrap me around your arms again. and I'm reminded of the truth. I'm alone again.

Lifehouse Loop

Between the raindrops is where I'll be
Chasing the ghost of what's left of you and me
Funny how you meet a stranger
And he's all you think about

Adventures and misadventures

It's been a long time since I felt this way - contented.

So what's up?

I've been working for a new company officially turned a month last May 1st and I am loving every minute of it. Who would have thought that I would love working for a payroll company? Certainly not me. 

It's different and I've found really good friends along the way. 

Oh and I recently bought a new baby -- my new phone :3

It's been such a long way and I hope that I have finally arrived.

Like Dory, "Just keep swimming - Just keep swimming swimming ~"

won't you take me to -- China town!

Nakapagdesisyon na ako na this year I will go on a gastronomic adventure in where else but China Town !

Seryoso ako dito at pagiipunan ko talaga ito! Sa ngalan ng siomai at dumplings!

Magpi-pilgrimage ako sa bayan ng mga instik at lalamon ng bongga!

And becase i'm ending every sentence with an exclamation point --- kalma.

Here have a taste of what's coming:

Ano? Tara! Sama ka na :)

Alcatel One Touch 918n Glory

This is the story of how a reluctant little girl was converted to an android believer.

A year ago I was bent on NOT using touch screen phones. I would always be like "they're too fragile and they won't be able to keep up with my badgering fingers". Unlike most of my friends who oh-so-welcomed the android technology, I was one who stirred away from that. I always thought of myself as a QWERTY kind of gal.

So when my brother took a plan for three phones (one for him, for me and our not-so-baby sister) and it was for an android phone -- that's it i'm out. Then I thought about it and what the heck, it's a free phone. I'll give it a go.

Boy was I wrong -- I was hooked to my One touch waaaay than they were. I started learning the ropes from how to download apps to customizing stuff.

There I was, totally at home with my android phone until recently I got into passwords. The brain-drain that I was, I forgot the password I entered. Luckily with a little bit of luck and a whole lot of cursing I stumbled upon a very helpful tip online.

How to factory reset your Alcatel ONEtouch:

1. Turn off your phone
2. Press the Voulume Up button and the Power button at the same time
3. Wait until a little cute android mascot appears with a little exclamation point
4. Choose factory reset option
5. Then Yes-- wipe everything
6. Smile because you have factory reset your phone ♥

Off Pitch and Off balance (still working on the Title)

“Jess come on we’re already 5 minutes late! Just throw anything on. It will be fine!”

I watch my sister as she ignored our dad downstairs.

“You should probably tell him that i’m not going again to one of his stupid concerts.”

So yeah, our dad’s kind of a famous country singer. Don’t get me wrong, being a kid of a famous person is great. More allowance and free food. Okay – the screaming fans are a perk as well but I must remember they’re screaming their tonsils out for dad and not us.

“Are you gonna tell him or not? Jen are you even listening to me?!”

I realized i was staring at the rug so I looked up.

“Do i have to?” I say moaning “he’s not gonna be happy about this you know, you've already missed his last two”

“So? I’m not one of his fan girls and i am N-O-T going!”

She said the word ‘not’ with her usual conviction and i knew that whatever i say won’t change her mind.

“Fine. At least wish him good luck” a taste of guilt arise in me as i get up from Jess’ bed and dragged myself downstairs.

There he was, even sitting down i can see he’s frantic demeanor. Agitated – i bet because he badly wants Jess to be there. ‘you girls are my inspiration’ that’s what he always say.

Working up the courage to open my mouth but before a word even peeped out, he turn his attention to me and gestured his hands up. I know what that means, 'is your sister coming?' I shook my head in reply and i swear i saw the twinkle in his eyes disappeared for a while.  “Well better get going, no use forcing her to come.” He lets out a sigh.

I feel like it’s my responsibility to keep them together you know, my dad and my sister. Ever since we lost mom two years ago my sister completely cut-off my dad. She said we wouldn't loose mom if he took better care of her. It’s always his music. Always his fans. Always one thing or another and never mom. Never us. Growing up the three of us were inseparable. Me, my sister and mom. She’ll always put us on little adventures in the yard and come up with these ridiculous games we played all day. It’s like living with Alice and we were in wonderland. I reached for my locket and opened it and there she was, smiling like she used to. Her hair deep chocolate brown with hints of auburn. Hazel eyes and a smile that could make any guy fall for her.


It’s wasn't always like this you know, Dad was not always this country-star-bent-by-record-label-rules. There was even a time when i felt we were actually the happiest family in the world. But as all good things, it never lasted. When dad struck gold with his third single we were all happy for him. I remember when mom dressed us up and we all huddled over the radio. 

I didn't know what was happening but she and Jess  told me Just you wait! It’s a surprise! They always had this thing, mom and Jess. They were buddies, best friends. I guess that’s why she never forgave dad for loosing her.


The stadium was vibrating with excitement. I can see the people anxiously waiting and screaming my dad’s name. WE LOVE YOU Keith Morgan! All I could do was smile, I turned my direction to dad and I see that he was stage-ready. I give him a big smile and two thumbs up. He smiled back like a little kid that reached his brown eyes. He’s still a looker, even at his age with two kids and a widow. Is that what they call Husbands who lost their wives? Oh i don’t know but he’s been through a lot.

5 mins to show time!

He rises up paving through the team of stylist or `his preppers` is what he call them and heads my direction. 

“It’s a big one kiddo, wish me luck!” he leans in and kissed my forehead. I smiled at him encouragingly. 

“Knock ‘em dead cowboy” and he heads on. 10 seconds later the lights dim and the people roared and I knew this was that kind of night. Another night where he serenades the world and they melt for him. That’s my dad I muttered to myself.


After we lost mom, I thought we lost him too. Dark circles always hovering around his eyes. The man that radiates warmth – no trace of him at all. He was gone and so is she. Jess was 13 then and I was 10. Even though we were still little, we took care of him. We had help of course. Grampa and Grama was there for us but with your mom gone and dad a zombie, it’s just not the same. 

One night Grampa took Dad’s guitar from his studio and laid it in front of him, 'sing her a song'. 
I remember that moment, when Grampa said that and dad looked at his guitar longingly.. the same look we shared when mom’s casket was being swallowed by the ground.


He stared at it for hours, I know because I stayed with him the entire time. Then as if the simplest of actions, he stretched out his arm and reached for it. Hesitant at first but he kept on – wrapped his arms around and cradled it like he did mom when they thought we weren't looking. 

His first strum hung in the wind and echoed the room. He strum again and again until finally forming a melody. It was a song unfamiliar to me but it reached me deep inside 

-- and before i knew it tears clouded my eyes and i was lost just as he was. 

He played the song over and over – each time he did the life slowly came back in his eyes. I lay there beside him and I knew. Dad’s back.


If he was famous then, that song catapulted him to stardom. Suddenly he was on the cover of Rolling Stones, he was on TV with Leno and O`brien. On every station in the country. He was a made man. That’s when i noticed Jess slowly fading away. The daddy’s little girl that she was – no longer.
It started with missing breakfast because that’s the only meal he had time to share with us. Then she stopped waiting for him to come home. Stopped calling him or texting. Then she completely shut him off.

As expected the concert went more than well.

I watched clips of it play over shows the next couple of days.


“Why are you even watching it again? You were there weren’t you?” Jess managed to say while she was eating a bowl of cereal.


“Because it’s funny how they loose it every time Dad gets to chorus!” I said as I let out a chuckle


“They're air heads. He’s not even trying his best.” Rolling her eyes.


“He is to! Jess you know he loves the stage and he wouldn’t give a second rate performance”


“Loves it enough to leave us behind”


Looking at her now “Jess you know that’s not true.”


She glared back to me “oh what do you know! You were just a kid back then.”


I swallowed. There’s no point in arguing with her. Even if we were at it for a day – once she made up her mind -- 

It was like moving the stars – impossible. 

She looked at me and saw that what she said cut deep.

“I’m sorry Jenifer .. i didn't mean to” she says with the voice i didn't have the heart to ignore.

“It’s okay Jessie-bug” I turned and smiled at her patting her head.

That’s pretty much my sister and I. How we've been these past two years. Sometimes I feel like i’m the older one between the two of us. "Keep her pleasant" is what my dad says and in a sense that’s what I do.


“Good morning my lady bugs!” dad greeted us with so much energy he’s practically bouncing off the stairs.


“Morning daddy!” I grinned at him and got up to get a bowl of cereal.


“No studio today?” I asked as i gave him the cereal


“Nope! Just me and my princesses today!” his hand in a boy scout’s position

I love how he’s like this whenever he has the time.


“I’m off to school.” Jess said standing up carrying her bowl over the sink

“Ow c`mon sour puss –“ nudging her jokingly “—let’s take a day off! It’ll be fun! I promise!”

“Ugh. Dad i have exams today. I can’t miss school.” Pushing him away from her

“I’ll even call your principal and tell him you’re on official daddy duty” he says with a smile

“It’s called responsible parenting. Look it up dad—“ grabbing her back pack “—you’re two years late for that anyway.” Slamming the kitchen door behind her.


Dad let’s out a sigh as he dig through the bowl of cereal, “so, where are we going dad? Better not be another karaoke bar” rolling my eyes jokingly

This brings a smile back to his face “You wish kitty-kat” running his hand over my hair

Why Jess does this I will never understand, i can never talk like that to dad.

We ended up staying home eating pancakes `til noon.

Stuffed and a bit sloppy with all that maple syrup we head up to the garden. He was strumming his guitar and I was busy with my notepad scribbling lines.

“You sure love to write don’t you Jen?” still strumming his guitar

I smiled in reply “well dad with you two nuts going at it all the time, it’s my way of holding on to my sanity”

“Ha-ha Funny little Missy.”

“Dad, you think we can lay music over some stuff i wrote?” i said peeking through my notebook

He looked up like i said the most wonderful thing “are you kidding? Of course we can!—“ standing up “let’s see what you got there”

It was more than magical, the feeling of making music and making it with my dad.


When night time came we went inside and he said he can’t wait to go over the studio and record our song. I’m glad that he enjoyed it as much as i did. How i wish Jess would give him a chance.

When I got upstairs I was surprised to see Jess already there, she was humming. Humming the song my dad made for mom. The one that brought him back to us. 

“Hey stranger” I said body slamming her.

“Hey fangirl”

Grinning i said, “oh jess i had so much fun today! Dad and I made a song! Can you believe it? An actual song with melody and stuff and it didn’t even suck! Ha!”

“Yey for you” with all the sarcasm she can muster

“oh whatever! It was fun and I’m a song writer now!”

suppressing my delight and I swear there was a hint of proudness there somewhere.

We talked and talked all night and finally went to bed.

This was a good day I thought to myself. 

Pouch`

You should be on a pedestal my love..
I am not worthy

Dear Daddy

Minsan nakakalimutan kong wala ka na, Napapangiti sa tuwing naaalala ka. Yung kakulitan mo at paano mo ako patawanin pag malungkot ako. Hanggang ngayon ikaw parin ang Idol ko. Hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga pangaral mo, mga pangako mo sa akin at pangako ko sa iyo. Sinisikap kong maging proud ka sa akin dahil alam ko pag dating ng araw na magkita tayong muli, gusto kong ikwento sayo yung mga nangyari nung wala ka na. Buong buhay kitang kasama at buong buhay kitang hahanapin, kahit kailan walang papalit o hihigit sayo. Mahal na mahal kita Daddy, sana kung nasaan ka man ngayon ay payapa ka na. Happy father's day Daddy, i love you so much.

Dear 2011,

Thank you for a crazy-ass ride! For the friends I've lost and the ones i found.
For the loves I have and the ones I left behind.
My new found strength and weaknesses
My family who's always been there for me.
and most of all.. the realization that my dreams can be reality.

♥

01

Let me dream my little dream of you
and all the things I wish we could do

~Bam Gonzales

Isang Pula

Ang pagsasanga ng isipan

Di maiwasan sa gabing nagdaan

Nasaan ang kasagutan

Hindi malaman..

Tuliro at nakatungo

yan ang siyang ginagawa ng taong tulad ko

kumpol ng ideya

bumubugkos sa memorya..

Tama na at iyong pakawalan

ang puso mong sugatan.

*credits to: staje (deviantart) for the drawing*

Pasubali

Hayaan mo akong magsulat -
   ng mga bagay na sa isip ko'y bumabagabag
Hayaan mong ako'y managhoy -
   sa mga hinanakit kong ako lamang ang makakatangis


Tawagin mo akong payaso - 
Tawagin mo akong hangal  -
Hindi mo maiintindihan,
   dahil ako'y di ikaw


Kung iyong ipinagtataka - 
   wag kang magtanong.
Sapagkat sa pagbuka ng labi ko
   sagot ko'y bugtong

Bugtong-bugtong

Hayaan niyong umpisahan ang entry kong ito sa pamamagitan ng isang bugtong na natutunan ko sa aking kamusmusan.


Bugtong-bugtong: Ang anak ay nakaupo na, ang ina’y gumagapang pa.


Bakit ko kamo sinabi ang bugtong na yan? Kayo nalang siguro ang magtagni-tagni kung bakit. You see, kanina nung nanonood ako ng news. May pumukaw sa atensyon ko at ito ay ang kaso ng Vizconde massacre. Hanggang ngayon ay wala paring linaw ang kaso. Bente-uno anyos na ako at halos kasing edad ko na ang kasong ito. Hanggang ngayon wala paring linaw ang kaso. Naaawa ako sa lahat ng sangkot dito, higit sa lahat - kay Lauro Vizconde. 


Pagnakikita ko siya ay nakikita ko ang imahe ng isang ama na kumupas na. Wala akong masamang ibig sabihin dito, habag lamang ang nadarama ko para sa matanda. He was a father and a husband. He was once a man who had everything. Now, he has nothing. Worse than nothing, nawalan siya ng hustisya. Masakit ang mawalan ng kapamilya, alagang aso nga ipinagluluksa - ang anak at asawa mo pa kaya? Isang salita lang ang naiisip ko para isalarawan ang pangyayaring ito.. malagim.


Aaminin kong hindi ko gamay ang bawat detalye ng kasong ito, ngunit sasabihin kong naaapektuhan ako. Hindi ko lubos maisip kung bakit ganito katagal ang usad ng hustisya.. kung bakit ganito kailap ang batas. Ano ang pamantayang ginagamit ng mga humuhusga? Paanong masasabing guilty or not guilty ang isang tao? 


Isa pang bumabagabag sa akin ay bakit sa kaibuturan ng isipan ko, may nagsasabi sa akin na hindi sangkot si Hubert Webb dito? Kaya napagdesisyunan kong mangalap ng impormasyon ukol dito. 


1. Meron ba talagang binigay na semen sample si Webb?
2. Nasan na to?
3. Totoo bang nawala ng NBI yung semen sample?
4. Nasan na si Jessica Alfaro?
5. Kung si Jessica ay ang star witness ng NBI noon, bakit ngayon ay kulang nalang isuka nila siya?
6. Sino nanaman tong mga Black lady ek ek na witness? At si Something-something Barbero?
7. Kung aabot na ng 20 years ang kaso at wala pang napapatunayang guilty, ibig ba sabihin non ay wala nang makukulong?
8. Bakit umabot ng ganito kahaba at katagal ang kasong ito?


Sa mga susunod na araw ay aantabay ako sa balita ngunit kasabay nito ay ang pagbabasa ng past articles na nasulat at naiulat tungkol sa kasong ito.


________________________________
May truth prevail.

Mukha ng Demonyo

Maraming muka ang demonyo

makikita mo sa taong nakasalubong mo

sa kakilala -

kahit nga sa taong mahal mo.

Mara

ming klase ng demonyo

may nakahuhumaling

may nakababaliw

may naka-aaning.

Demonyo ang tingin ko sayo

kung bakit ay ewan ko.

Siguro dahil sa pang-gagago mo

Siguro dahil sa pang-gagago ko

Demonyo.

Acacia 3 - Pighati ng isang Ina

"Nanay-Tatay gusto kong tinapay,
Ate-Kuya gusto kong--- ano na nga ulit ang karugtong `non Abel?"
"Gusto kong kape! hahaha"
"Che! eh sa nakalimutan ko nga eh!" sagot ng batang si Maria na humahaba nanaman ang nguso.

Kung pagmamasdan mo sila ay aakalain mong normal silang magkaibigan. Mga normal na bata, normal na naglalaro at nagaasaran. Si Maria na kahit bata pa man ay ang pinaka marikit na sa kagubatan. Sa kanyang buhok na abot hanggang talampakan at kutis na nagnining ning sa kaputian, hindi mapagkakaila na siya na nga ang pinaka maganda. Madalas na siya'y napapagalitan ng kanyang mga nakatatanda sa labis na kakulitan, halos sampung taon na ang nakalilipas mula noong iluwal siya ng punong Acacia. Si Maria ay hindi isang pangkaraniwan na diwatang hangin, siya ang diwatang may kakambal na punyal. Siya ang susunod na magiging Reyna.

--------------------------------------

"Ipagpaumanhin niyo po Ginoo, ipinatatawag po kayo ng inyong Ina Acacia."
"Sige po Diwatang Sambit, tutungo na po ako." sagot ni Abel.
Si Abel ay isang magiliw na bata. Maliksi at bibo kaya naman sa murang edad niya ay marami nang humahanga sa kanya. Diwata man o iba pang engkanto. Dito na siya lumaki at namulat sa loob ng gubat. Ito ang kanyang tahanan, ang kanyang kanlungan. Hindi man niya kailan man nakita ang kanyang Ama ay hindi naman nagkukulang ng pagmamahal at gabay ang kanyang Ina. Minsan nang sinubukan ni Abel ang bumaba sa kabayanan ng mga tao ngunit bigo ang kanyang kagustuhan na makilala ang Ama.

--------------------------------------

Tok Tok Tok !
"Ina - narito na po ako-"
isang malamig na tinig ang sumagot "tumuloy ka mahal kong anak-"
Ang anyo ng payak na kubo sa labas ay siyang kabaliktaran sa loob. Pag pasok mo ay tila pumasok ka sa isang pahina ng librong pambata. Maningning na kulay ng mga diamante at iba't iba pang bato na hindi pa nasisilayan ng tao. Tunay ngang nagmula sa kaibuturan ni Ina Gaea. Animo'y isang lugar ng panaginip at pantasya. Ang sahig ay gawa sa likidong hindi basa na kung lalakaran ay para kang lumulutang. Ang mga ding ding ay balot ng batong kumikinang sa mga kulay na hindi pa nakikita ninoman. Isang malaking pasilyo ang daraanan bago makarating sa luklukan ng Reyna. Ang halimuyak ay amoy ng pinaka matamis na prutas at pinaka mabangong bulaklak. Ang upuan ng Reyna ay isang munting puno na tumutubo mula sa ilalim ng lupa, sinasabing ito ay tumutubo mula sa kaibuturan ng puso ni Inang Gaea.

Hindi niya dinatnan ang Ina sa trono nito, marahil ay nasa loob ng kanyang silid.
Nagulat siya nang ibaling ang mata sa sahig - isang kakaibang bagay ang nakita niya. Itim ito at may manipis na lubid. Lumapit siya nang mahawakan ito, matigas. Kinagat niya ngunit hindi ito manguya. Binitbit niya ito paakyat ng silid ng Ina.

"Ina, ano po ito?---" pagtaas niya ng ulo ay nagulat siya. May kasama pala ang Ina sa loob ng silid nito. Tinitigan niya ang lalakeng may kakaibang kasuotan at minukhaan. Hindi pa niya ito nakikita kailanman ngunit mukhang pamilyar ito sa kanya.

------------------------------------

"Ay pasensya na Abel, yan ay sapatos ko. Yan ang para sa paa." sagot ng lalaking halatang atubili nang siya ang makita.
"Paano pong sapato? paano pong sa paa?" habang inaalog alog ang sapatos.
"Hindi sapato Abel, sapatos. Ipapasok mo ang iyong paa at itatali natin ito." Pagpapaliwanag ng lalake habang isinusuot sa kanya ang sapatos."Ay bakit po ganoon? matigas sa paa?" dismayadong tugon niya.
"Ganyan talaga yan para maprotektehan ang paa mo sa dumi ng lupa".
Napakunot ang ulo niya, ano bang sinasabi ng lalakeng ito at madumi daw ang lupa. Tinanggal niya ang sapatos at ibinigay sa lalake sabay umupo sa tabi ng Ina.
"Ipinatawag niyo raw po ako Ina?" halata ang pagkainip sa boses niya.

------------------------------------

"Hindi! Hindi! Hindi ako sasama sa lalaking yan! Hindi siya ang aking Ama! Wala akong Ama!" puno ng puot ang tinig ni Abel.
Ito ang unang pagkakataon na nagtaas siya ng boses sa harap ng kanyang Ina - ngunit ang pagtatangis nararamdaman niya sa kanyang dibdib at sing sakit ng isang matulis na kalis na ibinaon sa kanyang dibdib. Ang kanyang Ama na matagal niyang hinanap, ang Ama na kay tagal siyang nangulila. Ngayon ay nasa harapan niya at gusto siyang angkinin. Nagtatalo ang kanyang isip; Ang Ina ay basta basta nalamang akong ipamimigay sa lalakeng ngayon ko lang nakilala?! Paano na ang mga kalaro ko?! Paano na sila Maria?! Paano na ang mahal kong kagubatan?!. Hindi ito patas! hindi patas!
"Abel, anak.. huminahon ka.." banayad na pagsasalita ng kanyang Ina. Anumang galit niya at humupa ito nang marinig ang tinig ng Ina.

"Mahal kong anak, panahon nang sumama ka sa iyong Ama. Mula sa iyong kamusmusan ay nasa akin kang pangangalaga. Ngayon ay umpisa na ng panahon na ng iyong kamalayan - bilang isang tao ay mahigpit na ipinagbabawal ng batas ng kalikasan na ika'y makahalubilo ng mga nilalang ng gubat. Mahal kong anak, patawarin mo sana ako.. mahal na mahal kita at kailan ma'y hinding hindi kita malilimutan."

Hinaplos ni Reyna Acacia ang pisngi ng kanyang anak, sinuyod ang mukha nito na animo'y minememorya ang bawat guhit - bawat kunot sa mukha ng anak. Batid ni Abel ang kalungkutan sa mukha ng Ina, pinagmasdan niya ang walang kasing gandang mukha ng babaeng nasa harap niya. Ang mga mata nitong napupuno ng luha at unti unting pumapatak sa kanyang perpektong pisngi.. dumaan sa perpekto nitong labi hanggang sa tuluyan nang tumulo.

---------------------------------------

Ang pinaka malungkot na araw sa kagubatan, ang paglisan ng kanilang magiliw na si Abel.

Kahit sabihing alam ng lahat na darating din ang araw na ito, ay hindi nila maiwasan ang malumbay. Lahat ng pamamaalam ay mahirap, lalo na sa isang taong nagbibigay buhay sa buhay mo. Sa isang taong iniikutan ng iyong mundo. Bawat ngiti niya ay iyong ngiti at bawat kalungkutan niya ay iyong luha.

Buhat-buhat ni Simon ang kanyang anak na walang malay, ito ang unang beses sa loob ng maraming taon na ganito siya kalapit sa anak. Sampung taon na ang nararaan nang una niya itong binuhat, nung una niya itong pinatahan at una niya itong hinagkan. At ngayon nga ay napaka saya niya na nakapiling ang kanyang supling.

"Mahal kong Simon, pagmulat ng kanyang mga mata ay hindi na niya ako makikilala. Bawat ala ala ay maglalaho na.." bakas ang kalungkutan sa tinig ni Acacia.. isang Reyna -- higit sa lahat ay isang Ina. Hinaplos niyang muli ang mukha ng anak, ang kapaitang pilit niyang nilulunok ay hindi naglalaho sa kanyang mga labi. Walang sing sakit ang mawalay sa anak na nagmula sa iyo.

Pamamaalam.

Ang gubat ay walang kasing lungkot.. ang mga diwata.. ang mga engkanto.. ang mga puno.. hayop at bulaklak ay nagdadalamhati sa paglisan ng kanilang Abel. Mga ibong malungkot na humuhuni -- ang pamamaalam ng isang kaibigan.

-------------------------------------------------

"Almost" is the saddest word in the dictionary. It's like looking through a glass window and seeing the thing you desire the most. That throbbing pain in your chest of never having it. How can you see what is in front of you when you are blinded by the desire that fuels your drive? How will you know that what is in front of you is the one that is meant for you if you keep longing for something so far? It is never about fear or loss or tragedy. Always about hope and dreams and of course, love. Never the bitter but always the sweet. The journey is indeed the destiny, for when you are there what is left to do? Bathe in the honey that is your success and after that what? All that is left is a rusty trophy that would eventually collect dust through the coming years. What comes after the glory? I am at that point where I question myself "What am I doing here?". That nagging little voice inside my head with three simple words that strike me "Are you happy?". So I stopped and considered the things I did that led me to this exact moment. What was the purpose of everything I did to get here? Then it hit me, something I once knew was missing. Something that moved me to be here and do what it is that I am doing, Passion. That current that passes through your veins when you do something that you love and that loves you back. I have forgotten to be passionate or as the Mad hatter in Alice in Wonderland would say, my "muchness". I have been described as a lot of things these past years but never "feisty" or as Tyra Banks would say "Fierce" and so I round up my guts and prepared to go on a quest of which I have to say Disney played a huge influence in. I shall call it "Finding My Mojo". It is not as easy as getting a cup of coffee or going on a soul searching journey. So I start again from my roots and seek my seed. Hoping to find that core that is my passion, Writing.

This side up ♥

They say when you're down there's nowhere to go but up -- but why does it feel like I've been stuck here for so long I can't even remember how I got here. Life decisions are tricky, people will tell you to go with the flow and let it be but how I wish that I was strong enough to fight the current. I feel as if I'm wandering. Gravitating to something that's been pulling me. I just don't quite know what it is yet. I don't know how long I should stay afloat.. is it East? West perhaps? I really don't know. You know it's been the longest time since I got the courage to write again? Because I'm afraid of what the outcome might be. I'm afraid how sharp the edges of my words cut deep into me. Cliche as it may seem I feel as though I am hanging by a thread here... out of job.. out of money.. out of dream.. that's what pains me the most.. I have lost my passion.. I have lost my core. I need to find me. It's worse than having suffered a heart break -- as if I lost part of my soul.

Piece of a Web

This was something I wrote for someone special to me..

9/21/10

Have i told you lately?

I wanted to thank you for everything you have given me..
More than you think you have.. you have given me love
You have shown me hope.. you gave me will..
You made me better

I never understood when the pastor said that "Love is patient, love is kind."
But you showed me.. you showed me that when you love someone
No matter how much they push you away.. those were the times that they needed you to stay..
"It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
You always make me feel safe.. your arms are my shelter and your heart is my home..

Forgive me my baby for being unkind..
I'm sorry for the times I have taken you for granted
Forgive me for thinking such things about you..
I'm sorry for not loving you the way i was supposed to..
understand you the way you should be understood..

As the song goes, I can only give you love that lasts forever..
And my promise to be near each time you call..
But the only heart I own.. is for you and you alone..
Thank you for all the kindness that you've shown..

We do not know what the future holds..
All i know is that right now you are my light
You are the soul of my being..
You are the core of my heart..

I love you baby and I will gladly give my all to be with you..
Have your child someday and start our family
Take care of you..
Grow old with you..

Now i know why God put me through all these..
To be strong and hold your hand
When that time finally comes..
I love you my angel..

Put your head on my shoulder

I remember when you sang me to sleep when I was a little girl..

a song that I remember faintly..

I remember when you used to dream for me

someone I wanted to be..

I remember when I used to leave you notes

and you would read them dutifully

I remember you

everything you are to me

I remember when we used to laugh

sitting in the back seat of your beaten jeep

you told me stories

all which I will forever keep

I remember the morning that I lost you

the pain - the agony

my longing..

you will never be here

My nightmare a reality

to face the world without you near

all I'll have is your memory..

It's like stumbling over and over again. My knees are bruised and I keep wishing you were here to help me up. All I feel is pain. It will go away but just like a stubborn throbbing in my head, it comes back again.

The Periscope

Okay -- so lately i've been addicted to a little game called "Draw My Thing" now wait just a minute there before you get any fresh ideas. I won't really draw your thing lol kidding. On my road to true greatness I stumbled upon a peculiar word .. alas.. it is dun dun dun--

The Periscope. Now, now -- I don't know about you but this is new to me :)

Alas! The Periscope.. often seen in war movies and fishy cartoons :)

it is used basically to see what is happening above water - well cause y

ou know people use it under water.

Unless you're like this duffus right here

There you have it folks, the Periscope.

Random

Hindi ko hinihinging maintindihan ako, pero sana intindihin mo ang katahimikan ko.. i need you to tell me that it's alright. that we're fine. even if we're not, as long as you say that we are -- i'll believe you. re-assure me. make me believe. i am not asking you to lie to my face. comfort me. right now i am nowhere. right back where i started... i just need someone to understand.

011711

Simple lang ang gusto kong sabihin

I love you

...

..

.

Hinuha

Parang walang naging katuturan ang lahat ng paghihirap at pagpapasakit na ginawa ko

Parang nasa simula at walang pinagbago

Pikit mata akong tumalon at nagpadala sa alon

Kasawian at kamalian..

There's a beauty in being alone

kring kring

at&t Uverse.

i know a place where we can go to

We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours

Acacia II - Si Maria

Kabilugan ng buwan, nagtipon ang mga diyosa ng kagubatan. Lahat ay nasasabik na makilala ang bagong pantas. Ang malakas at banayad na pagihip ng hangin ay palatandaan na isang diyosa ng hangin ang isisilang.

Ang pagbibigay ng buhay ng punong Acacia ay isang pangitain mula sa buwan na may pumayapang nilalang ng kagubatan. Kung kaya't ang pagsilang ay isang masaya at malungkot na kaganapan.

Bumaba na ang sanga ng punong Acacia. Kumikinang na rin ang punyal sa paanan ng ugat nito. Hudyat para magsimula na ang seremonya. Lumapit na ang pinuno ng mga Diwatang Hangin at kasabay nito ay ang pagluhod ng iba pang mga diwata at encanto. Pinulot ng Pinunong Diwatang Hanging si Amihan ang punyal at itinarak sa sangang pumipintig. Ang hiwa ay lumaki ng lumaki. at doo'y lumabas ang bagong Diwata ng Hangin.

Marahan siyang inilapag ng sanga sa mga ugat nito, na parang isang sanggol na h

inehele sa kanlungan ng kanyang ina.

Dahan dahang binuksan ang kanyang mga mata at sinambit ang kanyang pangalan; "Maria"

Matagal nang panahon simula nang may isilang na Diwata ng Hangin, humigit kumulang isang daang taon na kaya naman ang mga pantas ng hangin ay tuwang tuwa at sabik na makita ang kanilang bagong kaanib. Naiiba ang pagsilang kay Maria, ang Reyna Acacia ay kababalik pa lamang mula sa kabilang mundo. Walang nakaka alam kung saan siya nanggaling at bakit siya lumisan. Ngunit sa kanyang pagbalik ay kapansin pansin ang kanyang kalungkutan.

Lumiwanag ang kabuoan ng puno matapos ang pagsilang, paliit ng paliit hanggan

g sa ito'y magkatawang lupa. Ang Reyna ay may ginintuang buhok na siyang lagpas talampakan, ang kanyang mga matang malamlam na puno ng karunungan.

Marami ang nagsasabi na sa isang kumpas ng kanyang kamay ay maaring mangahulugan ng isang lindol o di naman kaya'y malakas na ulan, ngunit para sa kanyang mga nasasakupan ang kamay ng reyna'y kanilang kanlungan.

Bumungad sa lahat ng encanto ang anyo ng reyna na aka'y akay ang bagong silang na si Maria,

marami ang natuwa nang nakita nilang si Maria ay mayroong kabiyak na punyal. Palatandaan na siya ang susunod sa yapak ni Acacia.

Acacia I - Ang Magkapatid

Sa aking mga anak, Wag kayong mabibigla kung ang mga susunod na araw ng aking pagka wala ay mapupuno ng mga bagay na hindi ninyo agad mauunawaan. Ang lahat ay may dahilan at sa tamang panahon ay inyo rin itong malalaman.

Napatda siya habang hawak ang sulat ng kanyang Ama. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi parin siya makapaniwala na iniwan sila nito, ngunit ang mas bumabagabag sa kanyang isipan ay ang pagaalalang nadarama para sa Ama. Noong kabataan nito ay hindi mapagkakaila ang pagiging matipuno at matikas ngunit ngayong lumipas na ang matanda ay hindi na sing lakas. Itinaas niya ang ulo at nilibot ng tingin ang silid ng matandang lumisan. Magulo pa ang higaan at ang mga damit ay bahagyang nakakalat. Marahil sa pagmamadali nito - ni hindi man lamang naubos ng matanda ang kanyang kape.

----------------------------------

Lumabas na si Abel sa barong-barong nang makita niyang paparating ang kapatid niyang si Baldo. "O, san ka nang galing?" wika niya rito. "Sa may pastulan lang kuya, nanguha ako ng dayami" sagot ni Baldo "`Ku ang sabihin mo'y naiwan mo nanaman si moira! Ilang beses ko bang sinabi sayo na bilangin ang mga tupa bago ka pumarito" Kakamot kamot ang pinagagalitang si Baldo.

Simple lang ang buhay ng pamilya Acacia. Ang pangangalaga sa ilang hayop ang pangunahing ikinabubuhay nila. Sampung Kambing, apat na manok at isang baka. Sapat lang para sa kanilang tatlong maganak. Lumaki silang ang kasama ay ang kanilang Ama, magmula bata pa lamang ay hindi na niya nakasama ang Ina. Kahit na tatlong taon ang tanda niya kay Baldo ay wala siyang maalala bago isilang ang kapatid. Hindi rin naman nila sinubok na itanong sa kanilang Ama ang pangalan ng Ina sa kadahilanang ayaw nitong pagusapan ang Ina. At ngayon, hindi niya alam kung paano sasabihin sa kapatid na nilisan sila ng Ama. Mas malapit si Baldo sa kanilang Ama, marahil dahil bunso ito. Siya kasi ang pilyo sa kanilang dalawa kaya lagi siyang nakagagalitan ng Ama.

-------------------------------

"Ang tatay kuya?"

"Umalis"

"San nagpunta?" lilinga linang tanong ni Baldo

"Umalis na."

"Pa-bayan?"

"Iniwan na tayo. O - basahin mo" iniabot ang sulat sa kapatid

Ilang minutong natulala si Baldo matapos basahin ang sulat. Hindi mawari ni Abel kung dapat ba siyang magsalita o dapat ay hayaan lamang ang kapatid.

"Nagugutom na ako kuya, nakaluto ka na ba?" tanong ni Baldo

Hindi niya alam kung maaawa o magagalit sa kapatid. Kung may isa sa kanilang labis na nagdurusa, si Baldo `yon. At alam niyang ang pagkukunwaring ito ay kabaliktaran ng sakit na nararamdaman ng kapatid.

--------------------------------

Mabilis na lumipas ang araw at kumagat ang dilim. Pinupuno ni Abel ang gasera ng langis para sa magdamag. Naalala niya noong bata-bata pa siya ay iniutos ito ng kanyang Ama sa kanya, naglalaro siya ng inukit na laruan at natabig ang garapon ng langis. Hindi siya nakatulog ng magdamag na iyon dahil sa pumupulsong puwitan niya. Naghahanda na rin si Baldo sa loob ng kubo, inilatag na nito ang banig at naririnig niyang humihimig. Pumanaog na siya at sinindihan ang gasera. Hindi pa man niya nahihipan ang posporong hawak ay may narinig siyang kumakatok sa kanilang pinto. Nagkatinginan ang dalawang magkapatid.

-------------------------------

Hindi siya makapaniwala sa kanyang nakikita. Marahil ay nililinlang lang siya ng kanyang mga mata. Isang napakagandang dalaga ang nakatayo sa harap niya. Puting puti ang kasuotan nito at halos kumikinang sa kadiliman ng gabi.

"Abel?" tunog ng maliliit na kampana ang narinig ni Abel. Ilang segundo bago niya matanto na ang pangalan niya ang sinambit ng dalaga. "Sino ka?" Tanong ng pupunga pungas nang si Baldo, ngunit ng nakita niya ang anyo ng dalaga ay siya ring natulala at napanganga sa pagkamangha. "Ako ito, si Maria... hindi mo na ba ako natatandaan?" may bahid ng pagtataka sa mukha ng dalagang si Maria. Gustuhin man niyang sabihin na natatandaan niya ang dalaga ay hindi niya magawa, pagkat ang katotohanan ay hindi niya ito matandaan. "Pasensya ka na, hindi kita matandaan.." Hiyang hiya siyang tumugon. "Ano bang sinasabi mo? nagkakagulo sa kaharian ngayon. Ang iyong ina, nawawala. Nasaan si Tata Simon?" Lahat ng bahid ng pagtataka ay nawala sa muka ni Abel. Sinabi ba ng babae ang kanyang ina ay nawawala? Matagal nang wala ang aking ina! Gusto niyang bulyawan ang babaeng nasa harap niya. At paano niya nalaman na nawawala ang kanyang Ama? Sinabihan ba siya nito? At bakit kilala sila ng babae?

------------------------------------

Para siyang nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig nang makapasok sila sa loob. Ang mga salitang sinasabi ng dalagang si Maria ay hindi niya mapagdugtong dugtong.

Kaharian. Ama. Ina. Nawawala.

Ang itlog ng Love birds ay lasang love

I try to be a friend to anyone in need of one and this morning, I did just that. Minsan kahit hindi ko sinasadya, nakaka-chamba ako na magsabi ng mga bagay na dapat sabihin at mga salitang dapat bitawan.

peachy.ily: Everyone has a hard time letting go but that's a good sign. It means you loved the person so much you let them be a part of yourself. And of course.. you loved. That is what's most important.

peachy.ily: In time all the pain will go away, you'll see. And you'll be a better person for that because you have grown in a way only those who suffered a loss know of.

My Top Toons

There's a status circling around facebook and it goes something like;

" Changeyour facebook profile picture to a cartoon from your childhood andinvite your friends to do the same. Until Monday there should be nohuman faces on facebook, but an invasion of memories. This is forViolence Against Children. ('till December 6) :)"

On that note, naisipan kong gumawa ng Top 10 Toon List ko. This is serious business people, we're talking toons that you would fake a sickness and tell mama and papa that you can't come to school kasi hindi mo matitiis kung ano ang susunod na kabanata :)

10. Daria

Hindi ko alam kung kilala niyo si Daria. Pero siya ang kasamahan ko sa pagpupuyat nung hindi pa uso ang outsourcing at ang pagiging call center agent. Natatawa lang ako sa mga antics niya at witty remarks sa mga tao sa paligid niya. Si Daria ang tunay na simbolo ng rock en roll. Promise. At ng pagiging Emo pala.

Daria

9. Rainbow Bright

Sino ba tong babaitang chabelita na to? Honestly, hindi ko siya kinahiligan sa kadahilanang hindi ko naman siya kapanahunan at sa totoo lang pakiramdam ko malaki ang kuntribusyon niya sa pag convert ng karamihan sa mga kabaklaan kong kaibigan. Pero kinailangan ko siyang isama sa list ko dahil kukutusan ako ng ate len ko kapag sinabi kong hindi ko kilala si Rainbow Bright.

Rainbow Bright

8. Little Lulu Show

Siya ang brunette na Goldilocks. Haha. Kung wala kayong cable dati (dahil dati naman puno ng sustansya ang local channels at hindi puro drama) ay malamang hindi niyo kilala si Little Lulu. Siya ang batang babaeng niluwal dito sa mundo para maging kabiyak ni Denis the menace.

Little Lulu

7. My Little Pony

Hindi sila tao. Oo, alam ko. Kung iisipin ko nga ngayon parang ang creepy ng mga kabayong to. Pero when I was growing up, I was obsessed with horses. At sila - mga ponies na iba't iba ang colors may mga design pa. Ang cute diba? (weh)

My Little Pony (andyan na sila..)

6. Georgie

Eto na. Eto na ang cartoon na nag catapult sa mga pinoy telenovelas. Alam niyo kasi mga kaibigan, ang istorya ng batang si Georgie ay hindi naman talaga pang bata. Wirdo lang. Tungkol ito sa isang batang babae na nalaman na ampon siya at ang mga itinuring niyang kuya ay in fact mahal pala siya. Kung hindi pa man sapat ang love triangle na yon, she is in a quest to find her real parents AND her long lost love. Oh dba? bata palang may long lost love na. At dahil ang haba na ng naisulat ko. Tama na ang kahibangang ito.

Georgie

5. Remi

Nobody's girl. Aking ina, mahal kong ina. Pagmamahal mo aking inaa.. yakap mo sa akin. Hinahanap ko. Init ng pagibig. Kumot ng bunso. Sa gitna ng pagkakahimbing. Yakap mo ang gigigsing. Yun na.

Remi

4. Charlotte

Si Spica yung hamster niya dito diba? Hahaha sa hinaba haba ng storya nito si Spica lang ang naalala ko. Para ding Georgie sa storya pero mas pretty si Georgie sa kanya. Peace @ Spica :)

Charlotte

Maghanda na kayo dahil heto na ang TOP 3... nandito na ang mga Bigatin nating tumabo sa takilya

3. Heidi

Sino ba naman ang hindi nakakakilala sa bulinggit na batang si Heidi? In her red dress and forced blush Heidi is bound to leave a mark in every child's heart and the young at heart. Ang liit liit kasi naman ni Heidi. Parang hindi naman fair. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahah

Heidi and friends

2. Cedie

Cedie ang munting prinsepe. Our thorn among the roses. Si Cedric Errol mga kaibigan ay isang halimbawa ng batang gusto nating maging anak na lalake, sa paraang natetemp tayo na ihagis si Heidi dahil nga sobrang liit niya at hindi parin ako maka-move on sa usapin ng height ni Heidi. Kung hindi mo alam ang storya ni Prince Cedric ay ewan ko nalang sayo. Siya ang tanging tagapagmana ng Dorin Court.

Si Cedie ang tagapagmana ng Dorin Court. Okay?!

Humanda na para sa Number 1 (one. one. one)

1. Princess Sarah

Kung hindi mo pinanood si Sarah ay kawawa ka naman. Malamang lagi kang OP sa mga friends mo kasi hindi mo magets yung nilalaro nilang role playing at malamang laging ikaw si Becky. This story is about young Miss Sarah Crewe that was sent to Miss Minchin's boarding school, little did she know that what should've been a charmed life was actually not. In fact, impyerno. Naalala ko pa dati kapag inaapi ni Lavina si Sarah, pati ako naiinis. Pati nanay ko naiinis. Pati aso ng kapit bahay namin. With film adaptations of Sarah ang Munting Prinsesa and the continuing values it left on every filipino child, I can safely say that this is my Top Toon.

Sara Crewe